Mini Camp Overreactions

 

Whoo boy; it’s summer, and things are really starting to heat up in the AFC East.  Last week, we were treated to another four days of guys running in shorts (this time it was mandatory) and got a sweet glimpse into the future of our favorite teams.  Some guys shined and a few faltered, so here I am to give you the full recap of how the division will shake out this season.  From worst to first, here we go:

As has been the case for the entire offseason so far, the Jets are in last place.  But for how long?  Rumors out of New York are that Geno Smith is faster, leaner and stronger than he was last year- who cares if he’s dumb and couldn’t hit the water from a boat with a pass?  Jets fans expect giant strides from young Geno this season.  The secondary looks bad, but hey! the Jets do boast the best front four in the division, so if Wilkerson and friends can get to the opposing QB in under two seconds on every play, the Jets will be in good shape.  Also, we should note that the Jets did sign the #1 free agent wide receiver this year, so their passing game looks like it could be one step above awful by mid-season.  I was a little disappointed that I have yet to receive my Super Bowl party invite from Rex.  I’m starting to think that Rex is very much like a comedian; once he got skinny, he lost all of his funny.

Next up, we have the Miami Dolphins, who are turning into strong contenders for last place.  Sorry, Fin fans, but when your offense can’t get rolling when the defense isn’t allowed to hit you (or jam receivers) it’s a bad sign of times to come.  Add that to the fact that Mike Pouncey looks like he’ll be on the shelf for a considerable stretch, and the RB core could be back to Lamar Miller, and Fin fans should be a little wary of what’s to come this year.  On the plus side, Miami’s #3 overall pick and special teams ace from 2013 has been terrorizing Ryan Tannehill every day in practice.  No word yet on whether Lauren will be paying him a nighttime visit with her two friends Smith and Wesson in retribution.  One last thing that spells DOOM for the Dolphins- Cortland Finnegan.

Next up, we have the Buffalo Bills.  As usual, there is a lot of hope and optimism coming out of the Great Lakes region.  And this year it comes with good reason.  E.J. Manuel reportedly has had all of the Bills’ receivers fitted with hoops on their hands to make him feel more comfortable when throwing in their direction (it is also rumored that the league is looking into relaxing their uniform rules so that they will be able to wear the hoops in real games).  Sammy Watkins looks to be just the guy many of us thought he would be, but have no fear; Robert Woods is here.  Woods looks as if he is poised to explode upon the NFL this season.  Bills fans should expect no less than 2,500 yards and 27 TDs out of the sophomore phenom this season.  Lastly, the decision to move Kiko to outside linebacker this season looks like it will go down in history with decisions the likes of Thomas Jefferson deciding to make the Louisiana Purchase, Henry Ford doubling his workers’ wages (to ensure he got the best talent) or Teddy Roosevelt commissioning the digging of the Panama Canal.  The Bills defense is sure to be the best ever and this is the year they break that pesky non-playoff streak (if not this year, then definitely next…).

And by default, because there’s really not another team in the division that is capable of overtaking them for the title, we have the New England Patriots.  True, Tom Brady is on the decline and many of his receiving options are made of paper mache, but the Pats now have what could be a respectable defense with the addition of Darrelle Revis (who is so good that the coaches asked him to not practice just so the rest of the team could get some work).  The Pats have solidified their offensive line with the addition of Bryan Stork, who is sure to become the greatest lineman in the history of ever, and the linebacker core appears to be one of the best in the NFL heading into 2014.  And last but not least, the Pats have avoided total disaster with the addition of Jimmy “The Great” Garoppolo.  Jimmy is a sure-fire future Hall of Fame QB, and Pats fans should just hope that he takes the reigns from the declining Brady as soon as possible.

There you have it.  We can learn a lot from watching men run around in shorts, and there’s a recap just in case you missed it.