Well the apocalypse is upon us. It’s been a fun ride, but we’re experiencing a March blizzard all up and down the east coast and since free agency opened up, we’ve seen sure signs of the end of the world. With that in mind, I think I’ll do an eight team free agency spectacular. Seeing as it’s probably the last I’l ever write…Still ranking the teams from worst to first, so here we go:
In last place, by some distance, we find the New York Jets. The Jets are a laughable franchise, we all knew that going into the offseason, but their approach to team building has been hilarious. The only real move the Jets have made thus far is to release Fat Revis. They still are without a QB, although now they have been linked to Josh McCown (yeah, that should work out). They also released all 73 of Brandon Marshall’s personalities (ironically, they just moved across the hall) so that “top 5 WR corps” seems to have fallen to around number 26. But on the plus side, they signed a kicker and bought Dont’a Hightower cupcakes.
In second to last place, we have the Steelers. The Steelers have done nothing outside of re-signing a few of their own divas and pot smokers. It’s obvious that the franchise is completely fractured and the Rooneys are going to have to shell out some serious cash to buy off referees and league officials this year. I mean they can’t even deflate the balls anymore because their opponents are sure to be on the lookout. But hey, Hoghtower is there today to tell the Steelers that he’s coming back to the Pats.
In third to last, we find the Cincinnati Bengals. Low and behold, the Brown family doesn’t like parting with the money that they were born into. The Bengals re-signed a few average players, including Dre Kirkpatrick and Brandon LaFell. They also signed amazing back-up tackle and players union president Eric Winston. At the very least they can bug the locker room (assuming they are willing to incur the expense) and gather valuable intel for the next CBA negotiation, and possibly be allowed in the room. The Bengals are fucked until Marvin gets gassed and the Browns sell the team. So, long story short, the Bengals are fucked.
Next up, the Buffalo Bills. The Bills picked themselves up off the mat last week when they decided to keep Tyord Taylor and restructured his deal to one that really is good for both sides. Although I’m not sure our Bills fan friends will be able to handle going through this whole thing again next year. Other than that, the Bills signed two, yes TWO fullbacks; this leaves me with some doubt that the Pegulas actually fired Rex or at the very least, they forgot to take his keys and he’s attending personnel meetings in disguise. But hey, at least we may get to see the rebirth of the wishbone offense; it was unstoppable in Bill Walsh College Football ’95 on the Sega Genesis.
In fourth place, the Baltimore Ravens. The Ravens made a couple of moves, they signed Danny Woodhead, who I used to consider a fine American, but his choice to sign with Baltimore tells me that he is certainly a scum bag and he should be brought up on charges for something. They also signed another safety in their seemingly endless (and fruitless) quest to replace Ed Reed’s production. The Ravens organization is littered with horrible people from the owner on down. So, they are the favorites to win that degenerate division.
Third place goes to the Cleveland Browns. Yes, the Browns are the best in the division at something. They had a shit ton of cap space and used some of it to buy a draft pick, which is a move so savvy that I’m still not sure it came out of Cleveland. They had to take Brock Osweiller’s carcass on in the deal, but really what’s another shitty QB to the people of Cleveland? The Browns also got Gun Totin’ Kenny Britt to come to town to replace Terrell Pryor who departed for Washington. Additionally, they singed a center, so if they ever actually get a QB, they will be able to protect him.
In second place in this eight team race for offseason champ, we have the Miami Dolphins. The Fins ae no doubt pissed off that they are not sitting in the top spot, but the geriatric unit that they’ve singed isn’t quite enough to put them over the top. The median age of the Dolphins’ free agent signings is about 65, a sneaky move to counter act the Pats’ elderly QB. Now, when Stephen Ross freaks out picks up the phone to offer Hightower eleventy billion dollars and three Caribbean islands, they might take over the top spot.
The biggest surprise and sure sign of the apocalypse is that the New England Patriots have a firm grasp on the offseason title. The moves they’ve made are nothing short of stunning. First they traded for TE Dwayne Allen, only a surprise because they traded with the Colts (the first time ever in the BB era). Then they signed formers Bills CB Stephon Gilmore to a Dolphin-esque deal that no reporters saw coming. Next, they made a very Patriot like deal for pass rusher Kony Ealy a guy that has largely under performed in his couple of years in Carolina, but showed his true ceiling in the Super Bowl a couple of years ago. Next up, they fleeced the New Orleans Saints in a deal for 23 year old, stud WR Brandon Cooks. The Pats gave up their first round pick for Cooks, but at 23, he’s as young and a lot better than any player that would have been available at 32. The only difference is that they only have full control over the player for two years. The Pats also brought back a couple of their own free agents and singed a fatty from Baltimore (which shows that this guy is intent on turning his life around). The only questions that remain are what the Pats are going to do with Jimmy and Malcolm Butler. After all of these moves, I’m starting to lean towards hanging on to Jimmy because if the unthinkable happens and Brady gets hurt (as old people are want to do), Jimmy could keep this team on the rails and win another Super Bowl. As for Bulter, PAY HIM!!! What the fuck Belichick? Quit being such a dick, he’s better than the guy you just gave zillions of dollars to and he’s done everything right throughout his time here (including winning your old ass a Super Bowl a couple of years ago).
The End.
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