Not Much Going On Overreaction

Wow, after all of the wild happenings of the offseason we’ve finally hit the week where all of the players are scattered across the globe getting into who knows what kind of shenanigans….Next week should be fun when all of the arrest reports come in from the third world countries, but this week we’ll have to invent some controversy…

Here we go.

We’ve spent a lot of time this offseason debating the various moves our favorite teams have made, some ridiculing the cap crippling moves of our free spending friends from the south. Some lauding the penny wise, dollar foolish moves of the Super Bowl Champs. Most laughing at Rex Ryan (because well that’s what you do) and everyone agreeing that the Jets suck (even though they could have, should have, would have won almost every game last year). I would lie to spend some time looking through the tea leaves to tell you what to expect out of your favorite team this year.

Let’s start with the Jets…the Jets made some moves this offseason, most notably jettisoning their affable, rotund head coach and replacing him with a slimmer, quieter, darker version of the same thing. Todd Bowles is an incredibly capable defensive coach and with the roster that the Jets have assembled on defense, he should be downright dangerous. Everyone knows that, so let’s focus on the offense. Here’s what’s going to happen: Geno Smith has already been named then team’s starting QB and that won’t change throughout training camp. Young Geno will continually prove that he is unqualified to be an NFL quarterback but Bowles in a fit of stubbornness will stick with Geno through at least week 5. As the early part of the season progresses, the Jets’ receiving corps will grow increasingly frustrated with Geno’s general shittyness, culminating in new “leader” of the receivers Brandon Marshall launching into an epic post game tirade where he call Geno a number of unsavory names and netting him a sweet unpaid vacation from the team. Fitz takes over as starting QB, but it’s too little too late. Jets finish 6-10 (hey that’s an improvement, right?).

Next the Miami Sea Mammals. The Dolphins did what the Dolphins do this offseason and made the splashiest move of the offseason, bringing in notorious testicle kicker and face stomper Ndamukong Suh. As predicted, this move has fans everywhere rolling around in blowhole lube and being generally silly in their expectations for this perennially underperforming franchise. Guess what Fin fans? 2015 is going to be no different than any other year- except this year you have a serviceable QB to root for. The Tan Man is in line for a hearty increase in passing yards, but that’s more the effect of the changing game, not a representation of his abilities. The Fins will start strong again this season but as the calendar flips to November the Fins’ hopes will fade as they do every year when it starts to get dark early and he can’t stay awake through the 4^th quarter. The Dolphins will no doubt be in contention for a wild card spot again, but again they will choke down the stretch. Finds finish 9-7 (the good news is no one in Miami will care).

And here we find the Buffalo Bills. The Bills did their best to remind to remind the majority of America that they do still exist by bringing in the aforementioned human megaphone Rex Ryan. Rex has a new truck; as a part of his contract he is required to drive around Western NY for five hours a day and act as a moving billboard for the team, thus activating the “We still exist” marketing campaign. Just like his former employer, Rex’s new team possesses a fearsome defense that should give opponents fits all year long. And just like his former employer, Rex’s new team possesses no QB and is no doubt going to rely on a “ground and pound” offensive strategy- something that is sure to be effective in this new, high flying passing league. Hope and optimism abound in the few Bills fans that remain, this could finally be the year that they break that pesky streak and get back in the playoffs (be careful what you wish for, ‘longest streak with no playoffs’ is the only stat that the Bills have led the league in in over a decade…). Well maybe this year and definitely next; the Bills are going to be in the fight through week 17 and if the AFC is as poor as predicted, they may just do it. Bills finish 10-6 (get the last wild card spot and earn the opportunity to be sacrificed as the last team to lose to Peyton Manning in the playoffs).

And the Pats. The pats have been in the news all offseason. Coach Belichick is changing the game once again with his innovative “Swiss Defense” that is sure to include a number of “circle packages” that will give all of those ground and pound teams fits. The Pats’ offense will be just fine, no matter who is behind center. I mean have you ever tried to catch a Galloping Chicken? The Pats will roll out of bed, win 12 games and the division. They’ll get one last chance to humiliate Peyton in the playoffs (which will be difficult because the league will institute a new rule that requires the QB of the home team in any playoff game where Peyton Manning is on the visiting team to play left handed) and do so emphatically. They will once again play in the AFC title game and probably lose because they can’t defend the pass. Pats finish 12-4 (ho hum).