The Dress Rehearsal. This was the week when we were told that we would learn the most about our favorite teams. All the starters play at least through the first half (in theory) and we get to see how the players stack up against other NFL starters. And we saw some glaring warts on our teams.
Let’s start with the losers.
In last place, we find the Buffalo Bills (get used to it Bills fans), sorry that’s what you get when you lose to the Redskins. The Bills were in midseason form this week, committing penalty after penalty and looking just as inept as you would expect a Ryan Bros’ team to look. Rex decided to take a different track than most and shelved his #1 RB, most likely because he’s a little injury prone and they don’t have a #2 after cutting Fat Karlos. What was most alarming though is Rex either thinks Tyrod Taylor doesn’t need the reps or there’s a real QB controversy up there. Since there was nothing to talk about on the offensive side of the ball, let’s talk about the defense. They started out OK, shutting the “vaunted” Skins’ offense out for the first quarter, but it appears that they may have stamina to rival their head coach because they pooped themselves and allowed 21 points in the second quarter. And once you give up 21 points and your QB is EJ Manuel, you’ve already lost. The Bills have injuries and suspensions throughout the team, so at least Bills fans will have an excuse when they’re saying, “Definitely next year,” in week 3.
Next up we have the New York Jets. I’m going to let you guys in on a little secret that no one has told you yet: The Jets suck. The only reason they are not in last place is they lost to a better team. Another seemingly well-kept secret seems to be that Ryan Fitzpatrick sucks too. Anyone who thinks that he’s going to repeat last seasons’ slightly above average performance must think that the Time Lord is going to be a great baseball player. By the looks of it, the Jets’ offense is going to be downright offensive. Matt Forte looks every bit his 30 years and seems to be living up to the legacy set forth by just about every 30+ year old RB who signed a decent free agent deal. The defense is supposed to be the strength of this team and they look simply average. Revis may still be the best CB on the planet, but when he’s surrounded by a gaggle of guys who are paid, fat and happy, he slips right in with his fellows. Revis knows the Jets aren’t winning anything and he got his ring from the boys in New England so expect him to just play out the string while enjoying his life in the City that Never Sleeps.
And now the winners:
The Pats won their game, largely because the defense looks legit and Cam Newton looks like he took the offseason off. The sky is certainly falling here in New England when you look at the QB position; Tom Brady’s suspension begins on Saturday and while he looked like he’s maturing like a fine wine, the first four weeks of the season look like they are going to be long. The Galloping Chicken just plain sucks, his tiny hands and brain seriously limit his ability to play the QB position. He reads defenses at a third grade level and see blitzes coming like Ray Charles. I’d say the Pats will have to lean on the running game for four weeks, but come on, that’s just a waste of breath. The defense however looks downright beastly and will hopefully be able to keep this team in games for the first four weeks. The Rutgers secondary looked good (McCourty at least was in the right place when a tipped pass landed in his lap) and the front seven should scare opponents. The addition of former #6 overall pick Barkaveous Mingo, who has added over 20 lbs of muscle, merely by hanging out with a female body builder and eating ice cream and skinless chicken breasts could add some depth (or be a nothing deal) to an already stacked unit.
And in first place, for the first (and likely last) time this season, the Miami Dolphins. The Fins looked OK in the bit of the game that I watched. Tanny was downright serviceable and the receiving corps looks like they might be decent this season. Even Old Ass Arian Foster looks like he’ll contribute some quality touches for a week or two until he breaks his hip. And on defense Kiko Alonso looks like he wants to rebuild the legend and Reshad Jones is probably the best safety in the division (if not one of the best in the league); this will probably grow to be very frustrating for him. Even Stompy looks like he might have taken a break from lounging around the money bin to swim a lap or two Scrooge McDuck style and keep in shape. I’d say that the Fins might have an average season, but then I learned that new HC Adam Gase is only like 30 years old, I have a sneaking suspicion that the older gentlemen on the Fins (who each earn the GDP of a Central American Nation) will not be all that interested in being scolded by a young whippersnapper like that.
Next Week: The Annual AFC East team breakdown and season predictions. (I’m guessing there will be some hurt feelings)
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