NFL Week 15 Overreactions

 

What a week for the AFC East. Three out of the four teams won and the one that lost has already sent a tape of the game to the league for review. Now that’s December football!

Here we go:

In last place, we find a team that is very familiar with the musty smells of a December basement (even though their fan base somehow thinks they are good); the Miami Dolphins. What a pile of stinky fish this team is. They open a game in which they are prohibitive underdogs, on the road, against a team that rarely loses at home with a beautiful 50 yard bomb that sets them up in scoring position immediately. Their next three plays? Run, run, run, 4^th down.   OK, they wasted that awesome play, but at least they’ll get a field goal and start the game up 3-0…Oh yeah, their kicker is a Gator- BLOCKED, returned for a TD. OK, that didn’t go as planned, but the defense is dominating the opposing offense and the team is only down by 1 point going into halftime. Then the team spent a few minutes listening to Old Joe’s motivational speech and 2^nd half adjustments. They give up 24 points in the third quarter- awesome. Wait, was that truck that just left carrying the Dolphins’ playoff chances? And was that fireball on the horizon created by it crashing into a brick wall? Yup, see you on draft day boys.

In third place we find a team that is so bad that they can’t even lose properly- the New York Jets. I mean come on, the Raiders took their foot off the tank pedal, as did the Jags. The Jets were just a few short weeks away from having the opportunity to have the entire menu of draftable players to choose from to find their next bust. Now they’ll have to settle for taking Connor Cook in the 2^nd round and having another boring QB who wins more games than her loses. THAT IS NOT THE JET WAY! Jet fans have become so used to absolute incompetence at the most important position on the field and I do believe that the addition of an actual QB might cause the entire fanbase to go into cardiac arrest. I really hope the residents of that three square mile section of Long Island who make up 98% of Jet’s Nation tie some ropes around the necks of the inflatable Santa’s in their front lawns and forward the pictures to Woody with the caption, “This’ll be you if you don’t sell the team.”

And in second place, we find the team that usually holds down the top spot this time of year (more on that later). The Pats clinched yet another AFC East title over the weekend (yawn) with a well-played 2^nd half against the lowly Manatees. They played well in the 2^nd half, but their first half struggles continued, so I finally figured out what to give Bill Belichick for Xmas- a bag of clear marbles for the team to wear in their belly buttons. This way they will be able to see while running around with their heads up their asses. The Pats scored 24 points in the third quarter because the Dolphins acted like the Dolphins and gave the Pats everything that they wanted. I mean it was like the Pats had them suspended over the toilet at lunchtime. This was a nice little tune up for the post season, although week 17 will be a little better since they are actually playing a team with enough talent to be a playoff team…

In first place we have the Buffalo Bills. How is this possible, you ask? Simple logic. The Pats lost to the Packers, the Bills beat the Packers. Therefore the Bills are better. The Bills have now strung together consecutive games against the third best and the best QBs in the NFL and gave up Zero TD passes (yeah they let some scrub run for three TDs and lost in the first game, but let’s look past that) and have recorded 4 interceptions. This is big news, because in most Decembers the Bills can’t stop a nosebleed. The Bills’ offense is still a work in progress, but don’t worry, someday soon they might actually find a QB. Then they’ll only be a HC away from actually challenging for the division crown. There’s still a chance that the Bills make the playoffs- yes it is a longer shot than Lloyd Christmas getting a date with Mary Swanson, but there’s still a chance. Oh well, if this isn’t the Bills’ year, then next year definitely will be!