The 2016 NFL season is just one short day away, the preseason is done, the cuts have been made, so let’s take some time to peer into the crystal ball and let you all know what is going to happen this season. We’ll rank the teams in order of finish in the division.
In last place, the New York Jets. Here’s why:
Key offseason Moves:
Signed FA RB Matt Forte – It’s just so Jets to put their faith in an aging running back. Forte, once one of the NFL’s most versatile running backs is now 30 and on the downside of his career. True he had a quality season in 2015, but the price tag the Jets paid, combined with the fact that 30+ year old RB’s in the NFL generally fall off a cliff makes this a bad deal.
Signed FA LT Ryan Clady – This is a solid addition by the Jets. Clady who is coming off a lost season due to an ACL tear was at one time the best lineman that the Denver Broncos had and will probably end up as the Jets’ best lineman in 2016.
Resigned QB Ryan Fitzpatrick – The Jets and Fitz spent the majority of 2016 in a stare down over money. Fitz wanted one last big score and the Jets called his bluff. No one wanted Fitz, but he didn’t really want the Jets either, so the Jets paid him.
Key 2016 Draft Picks:
Round 1: ILB Darron Lee – Lee is the type of speedy linebacker that the Jets generally like, unfortunately the combination of being both an Urban Meyer and OSU guy means that there is a 90% chance that he’s going to suck; and badly. You can bet that he will be of sub-par intelligence, resulting in plenty of stupid penalties and him constantly being in the wrong place.
Round 2: QB Christian Hackenberg – Hack is a 4th round talent that the Jets were able to grab in the second. Once viewed as the top QB prospect in the country, his lack of accuracy and general suckiness at the game of football makes this a perfect Jets selection.
Round 3: OLB Jordan Jenkins – Jenkins has some potential. He managed 14 sacks in his collegiate career in the SEC (UGA) and has some good size and speed. Also since the Jets have a gaping hole at the position, he’ll get to play. Let’s see what he makes of that time.
Season Prediction:
The Jets are going to take a step back from last year, it’s too much to ask for Fitz to match his career season of 2015 and Brandon Marshall to be a good citizen for two years in a row. In addition, jTodd Bowles is going into his 2nd year as head coach and generally bad teams get a lift from a 1st time head coach in their first year, but the dust tends to settle in the 2nd and the teams come back to earth (see: countless examples like Mike Smith in ATL and Tony Sparano in Miami). I realize every player the Jets ever sign is elite and “the best FA ‘insert position here’”, but it never really pans out; so I’m going with history here.
Final 2016 record: 6-10
In third place, we find the Buffalo Bills. Here’s why:
Key Offseason Moves:
Said bye-bye to CB Mario Williams – Rex Ryan couldn’t handle having a $100MM DE that just plain refused to switch positions to CB, so he had to go.
Gave Tyrod Taylor a “$90MM” contract extension – This was a wise move by the Bills. Normally we expect the Bills to just throw stupid money at players who show the slightest amount of ability, but this deal is basically 6, 1-yr deals with 2016 being a $9.5MM tryout year. If Tyrod regresses, the Bills can cut bait after this year and not owe him anything.
Checked Marcel Dareus into rehab – Dareus is an idiot. If he’s not drag racing down the streets of Tuscaloosa, he’s just chilling smoking blunts. Everyone who I’ve ever talked to that’s played in the NFL says that the NFL street drug tests are the easiest things in the world to pass; if don’t you are borderline retahded (I mean Aaron Hernandez never failed one), so Marcel is officially retahded.
Key 2016 Draft Picks:
Round 1: DE Shaq Lawson – Great pick Doug and Rex. Everyone in America knew that this Clemson guy was lying about not needing shoulder surgery and you tow were the only ones who bought it. Moments after drafting Lawson, Doug Whaley announced that he would start in 2016, moments after Whaely made that announcement, Lawson announced that he needed surgery on his shoulder and it’s unclear when he will be able to play. Aside from that, he’s completely overrated as a player. This is a pick that Bills fans will be lamenting for years to come.
Round 2: ILB Reggie Ragland – ILB was an area of need for the Bills, so why not take a guy with an enlarged heart (the very same condition that killed Reggie Lewis)? The good news for the Bills, Ragland’s heart seems to be OK. The bad news, he tore his ACL and is out for the season.
Round 4: QB Caradale Jones – I think the Bills have now cornered the market on big, bad QBs. That’s all I’ve got on this guy. He’ll never play a down in the NFL (unless Tyrod and EJ get hurt).
Season Prediction:
There’s a lot of dewm and gloom going on in Western NY these days. What with Dareus being suspended for the first four games of the year, the top 2 draft picks being out for the year (or at least most of it) and Rex Ryan being the head coach and bringing in his fatter twin brother. I have a little bit more optimism for the Bills, I really believe that this is a 9-7 or even 10-6 team. Unfortunately, Rex Ryan will find a way to “Rex it up”.
Final 2016 Record: 7-9 (definitely next year though)
That means in second place we have the Miami Dolphins. Here’s why:
Key Offseason Moves:
Canceled the “Weekend at Bernie’s-esque” Joe Philbin era and hired HC Adam Gase – The Dolphins finally decided that having a typical South Florida resident coach their team was a bad idea and brought in a coach with a pulse and who does not need a puppeteer to give press conferences.
Signed FA OLB (CB) Mario Williams – The Fins love to overpay defensive linemen, once Rex decided that Mario wasn’t going to make it as a CB in Buffalo, it was a foregone conclusion that Mario would take his talents to South Beach.
Signed FA RB Arian Foster – Another aging RB signed in the division this year. Foster was an excellent running back once, but no longer. He will be good for a game or two this year, but then he’ll tear his groin or sprain his ankle and be on the shelf for the rest of the year.
Traded for LB “Legend” Kiko Alonso – Alonso has a lot to prove. After being jettisoned from Buffalo a year ago, the Eagles decided that they could also do without him and sent him to Miami.
Traded for CB Byron Maxwell – Maxwell came in the deal with Alonso. He is horribly overpaid and not very good. But hey, he can at least be as good as Miko Grimes.
Let DE Olivier Vernon sign with the Giants – For once the Fins let someone else overpay for a defensive end. Vernon signed a monster deal in New York and amazingly the Fins backed off.
Released Miko Grimes and her husband – It’s a shame really, I mean what are we going to do for parking lot incidents this year?
Key Draft Picks:
Round 1: OL Laremy Tunsil – The Finns got some real value with Tunsil, when the guy who was once projected as the #1 overall pick released a sweet picture of himself smoking weed through a gas mask on draft day (a technique that is really no fun by the way, you end up with a sticky face form the resin in the smoke). He’s should be very good and if he can find a way to be smarter than Marcel Dareus and not fail his tests, the Fins might actually have one offensive lineman that is not offensive.
Round 2: DB Xavien Howard – Nothing like taking a defensive back from a school that doesn’t play defense. Some Fins fans and media were raving about this pick; they will come to regret those feelings.
Season Prediction:
The Fins come in second in the division by default. They will get a lift from having a 1st year head coach, but they are a bad team, so the lift won’t be all that great. Gase’s system is complex and Ryan Tannehill is less than intelligent, so that isn’t really a recipe for success. They do however have a quality receiving corps, so they’ll be a tough matchup for some of the bad teams on their schedule. The defense will be OK, they have a good front seven and Reshad Jones is one of the better safeties in the league (the best in the division, no doubt); but not enough to make the playoffs.
2016 Final Record: 8-8
Surprise, surprise, the Pats win the Division again. Here’s why:
Key Offseason Moves:
Tom Brady decides to give up the fight and accepts his suspension – So now we get a tiny glimpse of the post Brady era for the first four games of the year. Lucky he gets to play the final 12 games.
Jimmy Garoppolo named starting QB for first four games – Let’s not mince words, Jimmy kind of blows. He’s got some skills and has shown flashes of good play in the preseason, but he can’t process defenses and he’s got tiny hands.
Signed RFA WR Chris Hogan – BB did what he does best. He found a good player on one of the other teams in the division and stole him. Although Hogan is a white guy, he’s not Wes Welker of Julian Edelman; he’s more of an outside guy.
Traded away Chandler Jones – Addition by subtraction in my eyes. Jones is one of the most overrated players in the NFL and would have commanded a massive salary next year. The Pats did good to get a pick and a 1st round bust in return.
Traded for Jonathan Cooper – This was the 1st round bust from the Jones trade. We’ll seem he made the team and really he can’t suck worse than anyone they already have…
Talked OL Coach Dante Scarneccia out of retirement – This will hopefully be the biggest move the Pats made all year. The O-Line was in shambles last year and Scar was renowned as the best OL coach in the league before he retired. Let’s just hope his 900 years of age aren’t too much.
Signed FA DL Chris Long – Chris is definitely on the downside of his career, but he does have some talent and if he can muster just one more year, this could be a good deal.
Traded for OLB Barkaveuos Mingo – Yeah, he’s another 1st round bust that the Pats have brought in. But, he did play for the Browns so maybe we shouldn’t hold his suckiness against him just yet. He did look good in the 4th preseason game…
Key Draft Picks:
Round 2: CB Cyrus Jones – He was a great punt returner at Alabama and pretty good CB. What we’ve seen from him thus far is promising; we might finally have a CB worthy of the #24 back in NE…
Round 3: OL Joe Thuney – He’s a versatile lineman who can play every position on the line. Let’s hope he can play them well.
Round 3: QB Jacoby “The Pied Piper” Brissett – Here’s your “next great QB” in New England. The stories about his kid after the draft were laughable…
Round 4: WR (and author) Malcolm Mitchell – And here’s your obligatory “This time Bill got it right” WR for the Pats. I’m not holding my breath.
Season Prediction:
The first four games will be difficult, especially week 1. But three of those games are at home so I expect them to come out of the Brady-less stretch 2-2. Then Brady comes back and things will be back to normal; with the exception that this Pats defense could be one of the best we’ve seen in NE. The Pats will once again benefit from playing in the AFC East, and Brady should be on a tear once he’s allowed back in the league.
2016 Final Record: 12-4, Division Champs, #1 or 2 seed in the AFC playoffs. At minimum, 6th consecutive AFC Championship game appearance.
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