Well the 2016 NFL season is upon us and all four teams entered the season with high hopes and a litany of challenges. There’s a new head coach among us and even a new QB (temporally). Many fans expected big changes this season, but week 1 went pretty much the way the previous decade has gone. 0-16 is still in play for three of our teams and 16-0 is still in play for one. Let’s get right to it…
In last place we find the inspiration for this article’s title; the Buffalo Bills. The Bills gave their surprising QB of 2015 a new contract and brought in the brother of their head coach (who’s waistline is bigger than the aforementioned contract), many thought the Bills may even challenge for the division crown this season. Then the injuries and suspensions came down and the Bills reverted to being the Bills. Heading into week 1, many (including myself) thought the Bills had the best chance to win of any team in the division due to the fact that they got to play the hopelessly inept Ravens. What no one was expecting was that the Ravens were going to force Tyrod Taylor to actually play QB, something he’s not all that good at. The Bills therefore put up offensive numbers that one normally would see on a Pop Warner field. Tyrod became captain check-down and Sammy Watkins showed his Celmson-y self. The Bills defense was able to hold the inept Ravens defense in check, but they even allowed our old friend Mike Wallace to get the better of them one last time. On the plus side, when this keeps up, Rex will be on the Government dole by January.
In second to last place it’s our old friends the New York Jets, who lost to the Bengals in the most Jetsy way possible. A one point loss with a shanked extra point and a blocked field goal. Revis looks like he’s just cashing checks these days as AJ Green bent him over a barrel all day (even though he blamed everyone else on the field at every opportunity) to the tune of 12 catches and 180 yards. The Jets wasted one of Matt Forte’s final good games of his career (mainly because the Bengals didn’t appear to want to hit a senior citizen) by showcasing Fitz’s boobery. Speaking of Fitz anyone who expected the Jets to do anything when he got the ball back with just over two minutes left in the game and the chance to win is either a Jets fan or a moron (although I believe Webster’s has those two things listed as synonyms). Fitz did what Fitz does, he ate a bowl full of chicken bones and choked horribly, the question was less if Fitz would soil himself, but how.
And in third to last place we find the usual cellar dwellers, the Dolphins. The Fins didn’t really stand much of a chance this week, heading out to one of the most difficult places to play, Seattle. It’s incredibly difficult to play football in place that reeks of rotten fish and overpriced coffee, not to mention all of the Tom Brady signs that the soccer fans were holding up. The Fins actually surprised most people with their play, actually holding a lead into the final minute of the game. But as Dolphins do, the defense pooped themselves and gave the game away. Not even Stompy Suh could save them by giving Russell Wilson one of his trademark leg locks. Of course, Suh’s stompy ways may not have even been necessary had the fins been able to convert chip shot field goals or if Kenny “Frying Pan Hands” Stills had been able to reel in the easiest of TD catches. But I suppose if those guys were going to make those plays, they wouldn’t be Dolphins at all.
Now that we’ve put all that misery behind us, let’s talk about something happy; the New England Patriots.
The Pats entered the Sunday night game of the week, down the greatest QB of all time, the Best TE in the NFL (and possibly of all time), both starting offensive tackles, a starting DE and 9.5 point underdogs. So of course everyone expected them to lose. That is just what Bill Belichick lives for. The Galloping Chicken and company effectively dominated the trendy Super Bowl pick Cardinals. On the very first drive Jimmy found Chris 7/11 Hogan wide open for an easy score and a 7-0 lead. The game really would not have been close if Jimmy had hands the size of a normal adult (of course Chandler Jones made the most Chandler Jones play when he was beaten on the play but Jimmy dropped the ball right in his lap) and Legarrette Blount not had a big bowl of extra butter popcorn at halftime. But alas, the Pats allowed the Cards to hang around (by the way, Larry Fitz is still REALLY good) and let their Clemson kicker do what Clemson guys do and shank a game winning field goal. All in all, it was a good first game for Jimmy and he looks like the best active QB in the division.
Starting Thursday night, we get an entire weekend of inter-division matchups. So at least two teams won’t lose (although I’m still not ruling out a 3-3 tie in the Thursday night pillow fight between the Bills and Jets). See you next week.
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