<Freddie Mercury clip here>
Well, well, well…What do we have here? It looks like all the haters were wrong. All of you internet loudmouths who proclaimed the Pats dead and the dynasty buried are looking real smart now. As Scott Zolak said after the AFC Championship game, “The National Nightmare is back,” and now all of you fans of other teams are forced to endure an offseason of supreme arrogance. You think we were bad before? Just you wait and see. It’s now been proven that as long as Tom Brady and Bill Belichick are at the helm of the Pats, no number of terrible free agency moves, draft busts, or internal strife can derail the pats quest for supreme glory. You might as well just give the trophy to the Pats until Brady turns 45 and then restart the league in 2023.
So should we rank the teams?
Last place, Jets. You still have Adam Gase as your head coach, that’s going to sting for a while.
Second to last place, Fins. You’ve definitely closed the gap on the leaders with the hire of Brian “I just put together the best Defensive Game Plan In Super Bowl History” Flores. But the news that the Fins are moving on from the greatest Miami QB since Marino should give fans pause.
Third to last place, Bills. The Bills are just biding their time until their next shot at drafting their next QB of the future. Should line up well for that kid from Clemson.
And in first place, your Super Bowl Champion New England Patriots!!!!!
The Pats’ defense shocked the world on Sunday evening, shutting down the league’s top scoring offense and making the Boy Genius cry. It was an all time performance for Defensive play caller Brian Flores and his rag tag group of defensive misfits. The Pats unpacked all of their offseason acquisitions, Danny Shelton, Tully Banta Caliborne, etc… and they were remarkable. I’m pretty sure the Rams will be fined for not listing Todd Gurley as questionable, with hurt feelings in the second half after the aforementioned Shelton skull f’d him early in the game.
The Pats’ offense was less impressive, Mr. Brady kind of sucked for three quarters, but as per usual, he was outstandingly excellent in the 4thquarter. Really the only constant on offense was Julian Edelman, he’s a real douchebag, but man does he have a giant set of stones on him.
And Stephan Gostkowksi sucks.
So gear up football fans, the Pats are champs for the 6thtime and there’s nothing you can do about it.
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