Week 5 Overreactions

Sunday loomed with an enormous DOOM cloud hanging over the teams of the AFC East. Three teams were scheduled to play, all three were under dogs (the Pats even being home dogs) and Dolphin fans were packing their bags getting ready to settle into the Division’s penthouse without even playing a game. Then the games happened:

The New York Jets certainly lived up to their end of the DOOM bargain. The Jets arrived in sunny San Diego early enough for young Geno to take in a movie. Unfortunately for him, he owns the only cell phone in the world that does not automatically update the time when you cross time-zones (so is his excuse even though if that were actually true he would have been early, not late) so Geno missed what must have been a very important meeting. The Jets sucked and it’s getting real heard for anyone to say that they don’t just plain suck. Sure they got smoked 31-0, that’s bad but not really that much worse than most expected anyway, it the way they lost. The game can be summed as thus; the aforementioned Mr. Smith was a spectacular 4/12 for 27 yards in the first half leading to his benching, making way for Mike Vick to show us all he’s still got it by going 8/19 for 47 yards in the second half and Rex declaring Geno his starter for next week. So yeah, they are the Jets.

And next up we have our sad friends from down south whose fans are resolutely unpacking their stuff today instead of moving into the penthouse. I said on Thursday that the Fins would somehow find a way to lose on their bye week and Derrick Shelby provided. Mr. Shelby is the latest NFLer to be caught doing bad things, he at least was trying to touch women in a nice way, it’s not his fault that they didn’t know him or want him touching them. Plastic Joe is running a frat house down there and until they can learn to act like professionals this team is destined to miss the playoffs.

And this is where the DOOM clouds parted and the sun (or laser pointer) shone down upon us. The Buffalo Bills, led by the mustachioed Kyle Orton, shocked the football universe by beating the Lions 17-14. The Bills weren’t spectacular, but they did what needed to be done to get themselves in position for a last second 58-yd field goal by Dan Carpenter. What is more impressive than being gifted a win by a team that is now 4-12 on field goal attempts this season is the poise that the team showed when faced with a third opponent, a fan with a laser pointer. The fan challenged both Orton and Carpenter all afeternoon, but in the end was no match for Sammy “Juggles” Watkins who made the game changing catch in the game’s final moments, allowing the team to grant Jim Schwartz’ request and carry him off the field like a conquering hero after a week 4 game. It was a good week for the Bills, they retained a share of the division lead and will battle for the outright lead next week when the Patriots come to town.

Ahh the Patriots, just a week ago everyone was getting all freaked out that the Pats’ dynasty was officially over and they were going to struggle to get to 8 wins. I told you all that you needed to be patient and that the Pats would figure it out, because they always figure it out. Well they figured it out in a big way on Sunday Night Football against the Bengals, who proved once again that they are the Bengals. The Majestic Stork looks like he has settled in with the offensive line and whipped them into shape. The Pats dominated the final undefeated team in the league, led by a balanced offensive attack and an offensive line that looked down right pissed. The Pats opened the game with a real bad ass of a touchdown drive that featured a fourth down conversion and two consecutive QB sneaks by “Declining” Tom Brady. The Pats finally deployed Revis on an island and continued to extend their middle fingers to their detractors to the tune of a 43-17 whipping of the Kitty Cats from Cincinnati.

Week 6 is going to be a big one for the AFC East, the Bills can prove to the world that they are the legit and the Pats can prove to the Bills that they are the Bills. CAN’T WAIT!!!!