Happy Thanksgiving everyone! As we approach the final stretch of the NFL season, we had a weird scheduling anomaly this week, all four teams were on a bye, which is good, because it puts off the inevitable 0-4 week for 7 more days. Since there were no games to react to, I suppose I’ll just have to write that “What Each Team is Thankful For” article that I threatened last week…We will rank the teams in order of ineptitude though.
Last place, The Bills. I would really love to piss off all the Miami fans here, but that would be just trolling…The Bills are bad, the entire franchise was extolling the greatness of Matt Barkley last week, so there is really no place for them to be but last…So what are the Bills thankful for? I’d have to say the fact that they play in Buffalo. I mean it really is fortuitous that they play in a region that is just so terrible, that any distraction is a welcome one. Never mind that the team has been awful for decades, awful football is still better than life in Buffalo. You want proof? Look at our dear friend CJ. He used to be OK with the mediocrity, he even once argued me that “EJ Manuel just needs more time”, then he moved out of a terrible place (I know it was Louisville, not Buffalo, but that place sucks too) to a veritable Eden. Now he rightfully is pissed at just how terribly this team has been run.
Second to last, the Fins. The Fins are bad and what’s worse, there’s not really any hope on the horizon. Their once promising, young QB now looks like one of the old, chipped mannequins wearing a v-neck sweater in the Sears that’s literally selling the flooring to make ends meet…So what could a franchise with such a bleak future be thankful for? Why the past of course. Not matter what, even if they continue this cycle of suckitude for the rest of time, no one can take away 1972. So drink your champagne every day for the next year plus Fin fans, no one will be able to beat your irrelevant record for at least one more year.
Tied for second to last, the Jets. The Jets aren’t very good either, their “QB of the Future” is just a Red headed Mark Sanchez. The defense has some good players, but they have the leadership of the NY Jets, so they will never reach their potential. And the coach has already settled in for his long winter nap, and should have been fired two weeks ago. Once again, we ask, what could a franchise in such a state of disarray be thankful for? Why the garbage runoff from Manhattan of course. Centuries of living in the sewage runoff from the largest city in America has long since mutated the residents of New Jersey into a sort of Neanderthal/ Bear Hybrid with the memory of a goldfish. Therefore, even when they make the same mistake, time and time again, the fanbase always seems to think that it’s going work this time…
Barley out of second to last, the Pats. The pats will win the division this year, and probably back into a 1stround bye. But they will lose in the playoffs and the future looks just as bleak as it does for any of the other teams in the division. I said last week that the Pats are thankful for the division they play in, but I think even more than that, they are thankful for apathy. The division has been so bad, for so long and the Pats have been so good for so long that the fanbase has become apathetic. They just whistle past the graveyard and believe that because the Pats have Brady and no one else does. (Well, open your eyes folks, Brady looks very Bortles-like this year…)
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