Trick or Treat! I was going to roll out “Trick or Treat” type ratings this week, but that would be stupid, so – same format as always, worst to first…
Remember last week when I wrote about that team that was going to be scratching and clawing at the door to the basement, just begging to evict the Jets? Well the Dolphins just packed the door with a shit ton of Florida’s finest M80s and blew that thing right off it’s hinges. So Cutler is hurt and many fans were excited that Matt “The Savior” Moore would be starting against the Ravens on Thursday night. They were very soon, very sad that he got the start. I mean Ryan Mallett was playing QB for the Ravens in the 2nd quarter and the Fins still lost 40-0. Let’s get back to Ryan Mallett playing QB, he was there because Kiko Alonso has learned well under the tutelage of the Dirtiest Scumbag to play in the NFL since, well, ever…and took his opportunity to nearly decapitate Joe Flacco. Oh yeah, the Sensei also tried to choke out the aforementioned Mallett. Back to how bad the offense sucks…They suck so bad that they allowed the mediocre Ravens’ defense to score not once, not twice, but THREE TIMES in the 4th quarter alone. My god, if Gase is what passes for an offensive guru these days, then the NFL might be doomed completely. Oh and to complete this rosey picture, they gave away their starting running back for basically amounts to an early 5th round pick all because Baby Gase said he was mean. Good luck Fin Fans, this team sucks.
You know who else sucks? The Jets. Gangrenous Green had the chance to complete the three week divisional sweep of last season NFC Champions, the Falcons. A team that is so bad mind you, that they were nearly shut out by the Patriots’ shitty defense just a week prior. This game featured nearly twice as many total field goals as touchdowns. The Jets are just so boring that they barely even matter, it’s very tough to overreact about a team that just suck quietly in the corner. I don’t know what else to say, why do we continue to let the people of Long Island and the Swamps of New Jersey have a football team? There is literally nothing here, they won’t even know who their latest “QB of the Future” is until they trade up for some scrub in May. My god, the Jets make me sick.
On to the winners!
Once again, we find the New England Patriots in second place. Believe it or not, this week’s win over the Clippers made the Pats 6-2 on the season. For a team that has sucked as badly as the Pats have, somehow being 6-2 has to be some sort of sorcery. It’s just not right. Let’s talk about how the Pats got there. This game was really a microcosm of their season. More or less right off the bat, they get kicked in the nuts, allowing Melvin Gordon to run (yes, I said run) 87 yards for a touchdown. Then the second quarter rolls around, the pats complete a nice drive with Brady hitting a wide open Gronk for a big TD and everything seems like it will just be gravy from there. The Pats screw up, need to punt but Travis Benjamin catches the punt around the 10, runs backwards into the endzone, where he is tackled for a safety. Then a whole lot of made and missed field goals later the Pats are clinging to a one score lead late. Of course Philip Rivers throws a game sealing pick, that’s what he does, that’s his legacy. Game over, the Pats head in to the bye and halfway point 6-2, tied for the best record in the AFC.
Oh yeah, they traded Jimmy g to the 49ers for basically a late 1st round pick. I think they waited too long, his value was likely a bit higher around draft time, but I also don’t think he’s that good or that durable so they needed to get something for him. We’ll see if he pans out. Don’t expect too much in 2017.
And in first place, a spot they’ve enjoyed most of the season, The Buffalo Bills. The Bills had the good fortune of playing a West Coast team at home in a 1 o’clock game. I don’t have the actual numbers, but I do know that the winning percentage for the home team in that situation is astounding. But, you play the schedule as it’s written and the Bills may have just put the final nail in the coffin of the Raiders in their farewell Oakland season. The Bills are playing like a team of destiny right now and are looking to kick that playoff drought right over the Falls. Who cares if the last time the Bills started 5-2 they finished 6-10? History be damned, this is the year!!! Fuck next year, Tyrod, Shady and McD are taking the league by storm THIS year. To make things even more interesting, the Bills really went hard at the addition by subtraction methodology and shipped Fat, High and Speeding DT Marcel Darius to Jacksonville (a city bu the way that is perfect for him, no one cares what goes on there, so he’ll be fine) for a few tickets to the Super Bowl Buffet at the Anchor Bar and a lap dance. Then they went and flipped a couple of picks to Carolina and got Kelvin Benjamin. I like KB a lot, I have questions about his heart and his brains, but his catch radius is so huge and he’s so damned tall that Tyrod is now a force to be reckoned with. Watch out.
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