Well I guess it’s time I got back to work… (here at least…) And week 2 of the preseason seems like a good week to knock the rust off. Mostly because week 1 is a waste and I only watched the first half of the Pats game and exactly 0.0 plays of the other teams’ games. This week was a little better though, so let’s get right to it, worst to first as per usual.
And as per usual, the Miami Dolphins suck blowholes. I would understand if some fans were surprised, but the Head Coach being surprised about how bad his team sucks is a new one; especially since he’s been suiting up and getting in on the action in practice. The Phins’ defense looked in midseason form giving up over 300 yards in the first half and making sports radio commenters say things like this, “I think what we’re seeing with Dak Prescott is the second coming of Russell Wilson.” (yup, I actually heard that on Saturday morning) The Dolphins’ complete ineptitude on the defensive side of the ball should have fans’ fears of a 4-12 season should be mounting to the size of Suh’s money bin. Now the offense. Kenny Stills said, “We’re dangerous pretty much at all times.” Although we should always remember that when Kenny Stills is the sole bright spot on your offense, “dangerous” is not exactly the adjective I would use. It looks like it is going to be a long season in Miami, get used to reading about your team first in this column…
The next worst team that we have is also no surprise to anyone reading this, the New York Jets. The Jets lost to a Colt McCoy led Redskins team with no Desean Jackson and no Pierre Garcon. Yes, the so called “beastly” Jets defense was shredded by Rashad Ross (or is it Boss?). Let’s see, there was one bright spot for the defense though, CB Dee Milliner got himself hurt, so at least they might be able to avoid putting him on the field for a little while. Now let’s talk about the offense. Fitz showed just how right the Jets were in not wanting to pay him by going 4 for 9 for a whopping 35 yards and was outshone by none other than Bryce Petty (whom I’m sure we will soon be hearing is the second coming of Joe Montana by one of our fellows here…). The one constant that we can all count on and proved once again to be true is that Geno Smith sucks at football. All in all the Jets are who were thought they were, a crappy team that would probably finish somewhere around 4th in the SEC.
And now the winners…
First up, we find the Bills. I had the pleasure of watching the Bills feed of the game (at a bar with no sound) and could not suppress laughter every time the “Bills Run Deep” transition came on the screen, thinking “Bill Take It Deep” would be a more appropriate slogan for this offseason. All in all, though the Bills looked decent in the first half. Tyrod Taylor completed seven of the 10 passes he threw, one for a touchdown. He still looked a bit panicky in the pocket, when his first read was not available, he chose to take off and run (to decent effect). And honestly, when EJ Manuel is going 8 for 13 with a TD (actually that was a decent pass) you know the secondary is not trying real hard. Funny story, when EJ came in the game the bartender said, “Oh I remember this guy.” I replied, “Yeah he sucks pretty bad,” and right on cue EJ air mailed a pass about 10 yards over his receivers’ head that should have been picked off had the Giants secondary not been covering each other. As for the defense, it looks as if bringing in Rex’s portly brother may actually pay off. The defense looked like they were playing fast and loose; and not once did I see a nose tackle dropping off to cover ODB. If this keeps up, Bills fans may very well be wearing t-shirts like this. The more troubling issues for the Bills came off the field, as once again fans were shocked by bad news for the team. Last years’ rookie sensation running back, Karlos Williams was suddenly cut due to the fact that he’s a fat ass. So on the plus side, there’s now no excuse for Rex and company to run Shady into the ground and have him dead by about week 8 (although this probably would have happened anyway seeing as the aforementioned fat RB was suspended four games for cheating). Then speaking of fatty’s, we have Marcel Dareus. Who can’t put down the fatty’s long enough to keep him on the field and has now entered rehab…I envision his first day going something like this.
And on to the Pats (notice I didn’t say in first place we find the Pats. More on that later). The Patriots beat the Bears and after a very shaky first throw and three and out, the Pats offense led by Jimmy G, looked good. James Garoppolo who was thrust into the starting role when Tom Brady either cut his thumb with scissors prior to the game, or didn’t (seems unlikely to me that Brady would be working on his own cleats before the game seeing as all NFL teams employ people to do just that…) was scratched from the starting lineup, played adequately and even led a very nice two-minute drill that resulted in a touchdown. Heck, even Legarratte Blount looked like he turned back the clock a few years and was running with both power and elusiveness. But the defense…In the first half, the defense looked shaky at best. With the secondary getting routinely torched or penalized (although you have to think the coaches must have been looking for something seeing as Justin “Who Is That Guy” Coleman was matched up on Alshon Jeffrey most of the half) and the pass rush nearly non-existent it appears as if the Pats have added a slice of Swiss Cheese to the ham sandwich that they pay players with. In fact, it wasn’t until Cyrus Jones made a decent play in picking off Bryan Hoyer that the defense did anything of note. And now to Sunday’s practice…It was not a good day for the Pats as the injury train pulled up in Foxboro and half the team seemed to pile on board. Shaq Mason broke his hand, Dion Lewis got surgery on his knee (it seems to be in doubt if this was the knee he blew out last season or the other one) and Sebastien Vollmer hurt his hip and will likely land on IR. The Vollmer injury looks like a huge one, as of now that put Marcus Cannon in the starting lineup and quite frankly a throw pillow would be more effective. Things look bleak in New England, the only silver lining seems to be that the Pats play in the “Cupcake” AFC East so they will, at least win the division.
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